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If I only knew then what I know now.

This is an odd blog post for me. I usually adhere to my message of “unlocking doors and letting the light into your life”, but today my message is slightly off from this. Sometimes it’s ok to close doors, doors that are not serving your higher purpose are not needing of a lighted path. Doors that have opened the way and are now so far down the hallway there is no need or time to go back to it. I am getting carried away with this door analogy but I think you can put together what I am saying.

At this time in my life I am leaving the hallway of past doors and have entered into an entirely new hallway. The only doors that remain here are my core values & morals, sense of humor, capacity for love, kindness, compassion, and sense of adventure. I am to turn 40 in 15 days.

I am so elated for this birthday the last birthday I eagerly awaited like this one was my eighteenth. You have heard the saying “ If I only knew then, what I know now” This is what 40 feels like to me, I feel like I do know then what I know now because, “then” is now. I have the rare opportunity of beginning a new with my wisdom and knowledge in tact. I look forward to this phase of my life without the angst and confusion of being young. I see the lines around my eyes and see the years of laughter and sunlight that have caused me to squint through the years defining the lines around my eyes. I feel the crick in my bones when I stand up and feel excitement that at 40 my legs are creaking when I get up. You see I have had rheumatoid arthritis for over 35 years of my life and told when I was young that old age would bring with it a crippling reality. Yet my reality is only that my bones creak a little and I walk in the park and around the neighborhood daily. When I am tired now I know it is because I have chased my children around rearing them, that my energy levels aren’t that of a 20 year old anymore because I’m not 20 anymore. The difference when I was 20 and tired it usually was exhaustion from destruction. The things I have done to or put into my body are shameful, I am lucky all I felt was tired. Today when I am tired it is because I have cared for another, I have placed someone else's needs above mine and worked hard to be tired and with that fatigue comes deep peaceful sleep because I have earned it.

I have traveled many roads and only scratched the surface of the travels I will go on. I am entering a new time of my life, all has been cleansed, forgiven, and recharged. The world is my oyster and I will shuck every valuable pearl from it before I leave this world. With gloves on hand I am ready and when it comes time to say goodbye ( so so so many years from now) I will carry with me the string of collected pearls comprised of memory and adventure to shine in the beyond as a beacon for those I have left behind and will see again. So Let’s Get Shuckin!!!!


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